2025.08.29 — Day 2 of Quitting (after a stomach ulcer scare)
After selling my pub and preparing for emigration, I guess the stress piled up. My stomach started burning, acid kept rising, so I went to the hospital.
The endoscopy showed it was close to developing into a full-blown ulcer. The doctor told me to eat less, quit drinking, quit smoking, and take medication until the biopsy results come out.
So here I am — day 2 without cigarettes. My tongue itches. I feel as if I’m floating upward, almost about to take off, but something pulls me back down. To be more precise, it’s not that I want to fly — it’s more like being shoved underground against my will.
For 17 years, smoking a cigarette before writing or cooking was my ritual. Now, starting work without one feels empty, like something essential is missing. I picked up the habit in the army, and I guess it’s finally time to let it go.
When the craving hits, I pop a piece of candy. And recently, I’ve started listening to Nas — one track at a time — as a new daily rhythm.
(I’ll keep updating this journal every day until the cigarette cravings stop completely.)
2025.08.30–Day 3 of Quitting
[Mint candy]
Sweat begins to bead on my body and my tongue turns dry.
I feel like a swimmer crouched at the starting block, counting down 3, 2, 1—
yet the signal to dive never comes.
Again the countdown echoes in my ears.
Now I’ve devoured an entire bag of Haribo gummies and I’m chewing a mint candy.
Ah—this bleach-like taste. For a moment, my mouth feels fresh.
I believe that if I can endure this 1% pain of quitting,
the remaining 99% will come back to me as endorphins.
When I woke up at 7 a.m., my body felt surprisingly light and my head wasn’t heavy.
Normally, when I open my eyes I can’t get up right away and I feel that tired thought of “Ah, another day begins.” But strangely, I was in a kind of high tension this morning.
Now it’s 2 p.m., and I feel more drowsy than usual. After studying one Nas track, I’ve been listening to a Russian lecture, but my concentration seems a bit weaker compared to normal.
August 31, 2025 – Day 4 Without Smoking
Yesterday I had a beer, but I didn’t smoke!
It was more bearable than I expected. Even with coffee, the urge was manageable.
I’ve been drinking lots of water and chewing on mint candies.
Maybe the phenomenological meaning of a cigarette was never about the nicotine itself, but about acting as a “perceptual switch” into writing mode. (If you’re curious about this concept of perceptual switching, check out my Wabi-Sabi & Participatory Perception trilogy.)
For the past six months, my ritual was always the same: light a cigarette to steady my breathing, take off my wristwatch to shut out time, play some Billy Joel to reset the space, and then open the laptop — a small ceremony to affirm my choice to live as a writer.
Now I try to start with something else: clearing my desk at the library instead of lighting up. But honestly, it doesn’t feel as effective. Once again, I realize how powerful ritualized routines really are.
[photo of a neatly arranged library desk]
September 2, 2025 — Day 6 without smoking
When I drink bitter coffee or wake up in the morning, I still think about cigarettes.
Physically, I feel the craving strongest when my tongue gets dry.
Today I went to get my phone repaired. The engineer’s estimate was ₩150,000 for a battery replacement and ₩550,000 to fix the screen burn-in — about $600 in total. He said, “At that price, you might as well just buy a new one.” In that moment, I felt a sudden, powerful urge to smoke.
Maybe the act of smoking itself—the simple rhythm of inhaling and exhaling—was a way of regulating my breath and releasing stress. But I managed to resist the temptation, and now I’m at the library listening to a Russian lecture.
Since I quit smoking, I’ve been feeling unusually drowsy during the day. It’s not physical fatigue, since I no longer run the restaurant, but my eyelids grow heavy anyway. They say it’s because nicotine has a stimulating effect.
Was smoking, after all, a kind of herb—relieving stress, keeping me awake, doing it all?.
A cure for stress. A cure for sleep. A cure for everything.
September 5, 2025 — Day 9 of Quitting Smoking
When I wake up in the morning, my body feels light, almost as if I could fly.
And maybe thanks to quitting smoking, my chronic rhinitis that tormented me for years has improved by about 80%! It feels amazing. (Is this Endorphin effect ?! great.)
For so long my nose was blocked and I couldn’t breathe properly. But now, I keep getting this sticky phlegm building up in my throat. I looked it up online and apparently it’s nicotine being expelled from my lungs. It scares me to think how much has piled up over 17 years of smoking.
Between days 5 and 7, I felt drained, my concentration dropped, and I was constantly sleepy. But by day 9, the fatigue has eased a bit.
Still, without Halls candy or Eclipse mint candy, it’s hard to manage the cravings for a cigarette.
September 8, 2025 – Day 12 of Quitting Smoking
In the morning, I still feel the urge to smoke, and I get extremely drowsy after meals. I usually sleep about eight hours, which should be enough, but this post-meal drowsiness only started after I quit smoking. Because of that, there are many times when I just want to lie down and rest instead of studying Russian or working on my blog.
But since I won’t have any income during the adjustment period after immigrating, that’s not an option. In fact, I believe this is the time when I should be working hard, planting seeds and preparing for the future. Also, my appetite keeps coming back—I’ve been eating Doritos three days in a row.
Even if I gain a little weight, I think quitting smoking is far more important.
September 10, 2025 – Day 14 of Quitting Smoking
Yesterday, my craving for a cigarette got so bad that I ended up devouring two bags of Doritos instead. Maybe it’s because my taste buds are starting to recover, but my tongue has been unbearably itchy. The urge to smoke is still very strong.
Since quitting, I’ve been feeling drowsy, unable to focus, and I’ve had occasional migraines. Because of that, I think I’ve been reading some books in an overly critical way. But today, there’s no headache or drowsiness, and I can actually maintain focus. My mind feels a bit clearer.
Right now, I’m working on a podcast script using ElevenLabs—and I finally hit 100 listens! 😂 After 17 years of smoking, quitting is really no joke, but I’ll keep pushing forward.
September 17, 2025 – Day 21 of Quitting Smoking
When the morning begins, the urge to smoke—like an itch on my tongue—has decreased a lot. I no longer chew through 7–8 E-Clipse candies mindlessly; instead, I just chew 2 when the craving hits, and it calms me down again. Now I’m even thinking about cutting back on my nightly reliance on Doritos and Pringles. By the third week, the occasional headaches I used to get have almost disappeared. The unbearable drowsiness I felt after lunch has also eased a lot. I couldn’t run for long because of poor lung capacity, but after quitting, I tried jogging on the treadmill for 5 minutes and surprisingly didn’t feel out of breath. My long-term plan is to add 2 minutes each time until I can reach 30 minutes.
September 24, 2025 – Day 28 of Quitting Smoking
My tongue still feels a little ticklish, and there’s a faint craving for cigarettes in the morning and after meals, so it’s too early to declare complete success.
But there’s good news.
When I wake up in the morning now, I actually feel light and refreshed.
Before, I always felt heavy and sluggish, but these days, when my eyes pop open at 7 a.m., I feel clear and awake.
My mind is sharper, my complexion looks healthier, and the stale nicotine smell that used to cling to my index fingers is completely gone.
Non-smokers may not realize how big of a change this is, because they’ve always woken up to mornings like this.
For me, deliberately enduring the discomfort of craving seems to have brought comfort and clarity instead—and that makes me happy.
I’ll keep pushing forward and continue my journey to stay smoke-free.
October 26, 2025 – Day 60 of Quitting Smoking
Morning in Gori(City of Georgia) always begins with cigarette smoke.
Men stand at the corners of narrow streets,
lighting their first cigarette with a piece of morning bread in hand.
The acrid smoke drifts upward through the alleyways—
familiar, a little enviable, and a little choking.
The smell, somehow, reminds me of home.
But I can’t breathe it in anymore.
That heavy smoke makes my head spin.
When I wake up in the morning, my mind is startlingly clear.
It’s the most tangible reward of quitting.
I sleep longer now—about seven solid hours.
The quality of my sleep has changed.
I sleep deeply, dream briefly, and can focus the moment I wake up.
My body’s rhythm has changed too.
It used to rise and crash like dopamine—fast and unstable—
but now it flows like endorphins, slow and steady.
The anxiety is gone; my focus has returned.
Fatigue fades quickly—
a short walk or a bit of writing, and I recover right away.
There’s still a slight feeling of phlegm in my throat.
It’s the body cleaning itself,
the lungs remembering how to breathe.
Each deep breath feels like the body slowly recalling its normal state.
People say quitting makes you gain weight—
and that’s true, mostly.
But here in Gori, I think I’ve actually lost about five kilos.
Snacks like jelly or chocolate cost almost the same as in Korea,
so buying them feels like a waste.
When I crave something sweet,
I go to the local deli and buy a slice of Medovnik,
a Georgian honey cake sold not in bakeries, but in real home-style kitchens.
Now my body knows how to calm itself without nicotine.
My mind feels sharper, my sleep deeper,
and fatigue disappears almost instantly.
These days, I breathe in the air of Gori instead of cigarette smoke.
It’s cleaner, deeper, and somehow lasts longer.
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